There is only a finger's difference between a wise man and a fool.
You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
They’re all fools. Don’t worry. Darwin may be slow, but he’ll
eventually get them.
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.